About me (Scribbles, with
the hope of thought or two).
1. June 24th, 2001.
Well, it seems to come to this.
A flat out discussion about what, where, who and how I
am, based upon self-absorbed, inter-directed, singular focus (and wondering
about all that) why, and how to write it down.
I skipped Bridgett’s walk down the High School graduation
process from Irondequiot High School (seeming always to involve a trip to the
Eastman Theater) to write the opening words of this piece. The patient patient,
while feeling afraid to write this, writes down the piece.
Hey, you know, I didn’t go to Bridgett’s Eastman School
presentation of her Irondequiot High School efforts so I could get a few
thoughts down. Perhaps, one day, Bridgett will read these words and forgive me.
3:46PM
2. April 27th, 2002 (elevation, for or
against?)
Bob Kinsella asked me the best question anyone has asked
me in years when he said, “Why do you have to make each moment better than it
is?” and I still don’t know why I do that, but I do (fucking Kinsella,
swinehunt whose therapist committed suicide). I think I said at the time
“Because I’d like each moment to be just a little better” and we left it at
that, but that question is my question about drinking, drugs, sex, hey, mostly
everything I’ve been interested in the past forty years, so I guess I should
come up with a better answer as these topics are, now in my “retirement”,
becoming either things I continue to do, or in my advancement, “things” of the
past.
3. May 7th, 2002 (Judy’s birthday)
I played golf today with Carl as it was the first day of
our Kodak “league” and it was Judy’s birthday. I played anyways, hoping it was
all right. I’m fifty-six.
4. May 9th, 2002 (Thursday)
I wish I wasn’t so in between self-inflicted hand jobs
all the time.
5. June 4th, 2002 (Tuesday) and June 6th,
2002 (Thursday)
I said I thought I’d tried to evolve, and evolve “them”
but I couldn’t (evolve them, that is). Reality is harsh.
I’m just going to get better. My obsessions need me to
control them,
my assignment is to find out how to do that
while believing I’m not totally self-centered.
Perhaps I could stop, as well, this preaching…(but
probably not)
6. June 12th, 2002 (Wednesday, after the trip)
Referring back to the entry (this section) of June 24th,
2001 he said,
“I haven’t been able or willing, I guess is more to the
point, to get past that “I have to make each moment a little bit better than it
really is” thing yet and my uses of technology have, indeed, taken me away from
both my self and others. As for evolution, well, who am I to say but doesn’t it
seem like everything is just a little nuts right about now. I know I am wondering
about these Arabs, and wondering why our media (from now on I shall refer to
them as “those cheap sensationalist”) is so able to scare the public other than
to convince me that yes, Virginia, DEVO the de-evolution group was truly
correct, and mankind is just a little bit smarter than they were, say, fifty
thousand years ago! God, what’s next? Again, how am I to know except for me and
that is:
Get straightened out by seeing the good things, keeping
away from negatives, and trying to write something every day. I still think,
and see it all the time, that the better I do in my life, the better my life is
to me. That may sound stupid, so I’ll give you a simple example:
Sometimes I forget my self and
will throw a piece of paper at a waste basket knowing it will go in, and when
it doesn’t, like it always used to when you were younger, you have to get up,
and pick it up and put it in the waste basket, like you should have done in the
first place (this always makes me feel stupid, which is a bad feeling to have
for your self).
SO, if you had gotten up
initially and put the paper in the basket (being good to your life, which feels
good by the way), you won’t have to pick up the paper and put it in the basket
because it will be there (your live is good to you).
You could probably pick an example for your self, I just
hope you know what I mean.”
10:32AM