Why Calm?

As we go through our lives we come to a place where the wondering begins. This is the place where we ask ourselves questions about the whys that have happened against us, or for us or to us, and

try and get a sense of why we're here. Perhaps some of us do not arrive at this place of questioning, but I'm betting a fair percentage do. All of my books and all of the paintings are about my search for an understanding of why I am here and an attempt to understand just exactly what's going on here.

Been working on this for a long time now and it seems there are more questions than ever.

I think that's the point.

In the beginning I sequestered my self. Running in the mess, needing help to understand, it was turning to a blank page of paper that started it all. An artistic nature brought me to what I thought would be an easy effort. Sit down and write what happened, relate via series of pages, share it with my children and be defined, simple, right? Wrong.

Well, I did that starting at Raines Park and Birr Street sixteen years ago and this effort,

twelve years later. They fit together for me and describe the journey.

In the writing of the first three pieces the direction was put out by the doing of them, not any forging of direction by me. Sometimes after writing a page or two I couldn't believe I actually had written them. Magic happens you start something.

In my place at the corner, I wrote what I described as the “end” as the “beginning”, knowing it was so. Life can beat you up, and does, and you can quit, or you can go on. It's your choice.

Feeling better, I went on to a thought of "non-expectation" and my life turned around another corner. Knowing the importance of a legacy to my children, which is my work, the third piece of personal definition was done, because I know we do become what we've done.

Unfortunately, by this point in time I had again failed to pay attention to the boundaries of my life, instead becoming food for the circle I was now a part of. Weeks in isolation, weeks of thought had not helped me from again falling prey to the needs of others at the expense of my self. At thirty-five I was better than at thirty-two, but still held captive of my ego. The completion of the first three books had led to a resolution of divorce, but resulted in my submersion into vanity and ego, fuelled still by a need to please.

To get beyond vanity and ego, you almost have to die. The second group of three books were the words of that journey. Again, the basis for this situation was an inability to say no and a fascination

with the forbidden, and dangerous. Someone once said,” the trouble with living fantasies is knowing where to stop, and being able to stop becomes a problem “. You do almost have to die to escape.

Recoiling into a safe haven after living in hell is at best, temporary. A single book Giving represents the best effort a safe place can be described. This place costs a lot to leave because people get hurt when you use them, and not knowing what you're doing at the time is no excuse. That is what lawyers are for.

The last five books (this book is the fifth) represent art as well as love, in that their creation was done in a pure fashion. What I mean by that is unlike the others, this was not written in a defensive mode, rather a mode of love and understanding. Going from divorce, to hell, to safety and beyond, it

was critical to end up where I needed to be, and could be what I am.

That is, when I think about it, the place where I am today, Calm.