DWI

(August 29, 1981- December 1, 1981)

 

 

It began on a night I tried to forget the moment that it was.

Surrounded in fear as walls closed in,

me, moving, alone

watching a game go for my throat,

running into bottles to hide my hurt.

 

Seeing leaving, I could not go

continuing trying understanding.

Now, questions stared at me

and, by my self, knowing the feeling of laughs,

moving in fogs, towards home at night.

 

I drove the black sports car

down roads too narrow, moving side to side.

 

A slow pace towards death with silence crashing in

not looking, talking, seeing, breathing, asking

with no questions we moved

towards what I thought was safety.

 

 

Almost there but then, not.

 

Pulled from a car to handcuffs,

I could not believe the symbols that night.

Almost home, almost saved it

instead, a ride in a police car

to confinement in jail.

 

 

(August 29th, 1981)

 

 

They took my belt and they took my wallet

and locked me up.

I sat crying for I didn't know what was going to happen.

 

Sitting, thinking "I'm too drunk to be in this mess

and not totally aware of where I was.

I remember your screams and terror in your eyes.

 

Later the policeman told me you were a "broad”

and if he'd wanted he'd a done it to you.

 

I told him nothing because he wasn't anything believable.

 

None of this could have been real.

 

 

Lawyers,

lawyers and long conversations

long into the day.

 

What happened? Why?

How come they did what they did?

Crying inside, knowing the end –

 

“plead innocent and we'll work out a deal”.

 

 

 

(October 6th, 1981)

 

 

Writing, talking of resisting arrest.

 

Doesn't it matter that it's not true?

Two other "charges" dropped, just flung aside.

Aren't they even supposed to hurt?

 

“I plead guilt your Honour of DWI”.

 

The DA:

 

"Your Honour, in cases like this evaluation

is a must. Based on the facts, he may have

a problem. Shouldn't we do our best for the likes of him?

In cases like this we have a process

whereby a determination can be made.

I recommend an evaluation by an expert            

in the field of intoxication. "

 

The Judge:

 

"In cases like this we feel it's best to

follow our senses and do what's best, for you.

Have an evaluation, for $45 and come back in about two weeks."

 

Defendant:

 

“In cases like mine, I have no choice but to tell the truth to strangers.

How bad could a guy named Jake be?”

 

 

(October 19, 1981)

 

 

Jake had a beard and degrees from Rutgers,

but his shirt collar stuck out on one side of his vest. 

I told him the truth about my life, and that I used to

drink a lot. He said he'd rather err on the conservative side.

He told me my brain had begun to rot because

I sometimes forgot what I considered minor details.

He offered help for fourteen hundred,

and said I must submit to "their program".

I became numb, and tried to forget.

 

Lawyers, lawyers and conversations

long into the day.

What happened, why, and how come they did what they did?

Writing memos to say how good I am.

Why do I have to defend myself for what I've been through?

 

 

(October 27th, 1981)

 

Lawyer:

 

"Look, we're owed a deal

but to play the Judge off the DA

must wait until after the elections.

Wouldn't it look bad

to see them fighting in public?"

 

 

(November 17th, 1981)

 

 

Substitute DA:

 

"Your honour, in cases like this we read the evaluations.

Based on the facts he does have a problem.

 

(the Judge had not read my formidable file)

 

Lawyer:

 

"Your honour, you'll see in my paper how pure

he is. You'll see in my paper of his troubles.

You'll see in my paper how unfair this is.

 

Judge:

 

"I can't disagree with expert advice

and I can't do anything without the DA.

Get another opinion and come back in two weeks."

 

Lawyer:

 

"This is insane, but we have no choice.

I'll call tomorrow, naming another.

Somewhere you can still tell the truth."

 

Defendant:

 

“This process is making me stronger.

I can’t compromise and begin a lie.

Somehow what’s right must be said.”

 

Barbara:

 

"They'll change you, they'll kill you and

take you away. They'll turn you against me.            

Please, just tell them what they want.

 

Defendant:

 

"Is our world full of half truths?

Is our life the product of our words?

Who will I be if I become them?

If we live in a world of lies

shouldn't someone say it?

If by fate it's my turn on the stand,

don't you see I can't lie."

 

 

(November 23rd, 1981- a second opinion)

 

 

She was tall and she was aware

I could see it in her eyes.

She saw me say what I was like

and she understood the things I said.

 

The Psychologist interviewed the poet

seeing worlds within their reflection.

 

Moving again, working through

seeing strength within me

 appreciating life, as before.

Now, knowing a newer me.

 

One must work

to give Judges a choice.

 

 

(December 1st, 1981- the path of Judges)

 

Lawyer:

 

"Listen, don't be upset, the Judge asked, "Do you work?"

 

I glazed over) Did you hear me? Did you hear me? Did you hear me?"

 

The DA thumbed my file, me, watching his fingers travelling

past reports written by insane policemen, tickets, abandoned,

and last but not least, the page of my life written by Jake

(Spiritualist, and general friend of the people).

 

I thought the DA would notice the difference between

the two evaluations and this whole insane process would just go on forever.

 

Instead, he past through all the pages with me breathing heavily,

palms dripping.

 

 

"Your Honour", says the DA:

 

 

"We can see by the evaluation (he's reading from the second, not Jake's version)

 that this individual does not have a problem. We agree with the expert and her recommendations."

 

 

 

The Judge, moving slightly in his chair said "OK" and he also sentenced me

to thirty hours of cleaning duty at the local zoo.

 

 

I swear, I’ll never drink and drive again.

 

Perhaps humour comes of learning, and strength

with passages in time.

 

 

December 8th, 1981